Saturday, May 05, 2007

Let's Set The Record Straight

I post my photos all over the place because I am generous and like to share (insert magnanimous-but-smug smile here). As a reader of my blog, you have seen many photos of Piper's "Mad Teeth" (tm) - lots of other people have seen them too. And since those "Mad Teeth" (tm) are usually sparkling in Woo's direction, everyone says "Oh pooooooor Mr. Woo, always getting the bitch end of mean ole Piper."

Well, there's the magic of photography - you see what I see through the lens, punctuated with (hopefully) amusing captions. And because I see Mad Teeth (tm) all the time, I post a lot of photos of them. But what I generally don't show you is the why of the mad teeth. Why is Piper so damn angry anyway? Why are Mad Teeth (tm) always pointing straight at Woo? Today, I answer this undoubtedly burning question for you, The Orange Fans of Woo.

THE REASON FOR MAD TEETH (tm) can really only be told in a photo story, and that story goes a little something like this.

How Woo Wages War Against Piper (or, the insidious rank usurping tactics of the Fabulous Mr. Woo)

As the low man on the totem pole, Woo entered the pack with a chip on his adorable little shoulder. Everyone in the house is mean to him - Tweed bites him about 14 times a day, and Red Dog just has to look at Woo to send him scrambling for cover. The irony is that Miss Mad Teeth (tm) is the only dog in the house who is nice to Woo. He repays this kindness in two ways.

1) With passive dominance maneuvers such as standing "innocently" over her head.
I'm the boss of you

and 2) by waging a personal war against Piper in public places (where I can't beat him for it) by chasing her, as she chases her ball, and trying to drag her down by her ass or ear hair, or more ominously, by trying to drown her.

Shocking, no? And here you thought Woo was an innocent bystander being accosted by Mad Teeth (tm) through no fault of his own. But today I take a stand in defense of Piper's reputation and I'm here to prove to you that Woo is working his way up to murdering Piper, the one woman who will ever love him (well, besides me) so that he can take her place on the border collie corporate ladder.

Behold, the Steps Of War Waged Against Piper By Woo

STEP ONE - PREPARES TO ATTACK
(please notice Tweed in the background, allowed to exit the water completely unmolested. This gives you some idea of who Woo's real target is)


STEP TWO - LAUNCHES HIMSELF AT A WATER LOGGED PIPER
(mad teeth (tm) have already made an appearance. Though no contact has yet been made, she knows what's coming. Please note Woo's cunning form, as he encircles her with both 'arms' so she has no escape)


STEP THREE - MAKES CONTACT
(Notice how mad teeth (tm) are now just an exercise in fruitless intimidation, and Woo attempts to shove Piper back under water, presumably with the ultimate intention of drowning her!)


STEP FOUR - DOES BATTLE, MAD TEETH BE DAMNED
(Notice how Woo is going for her throat, as Piper summons up everything she has and gives a Super Mad Teeth (tm) display. Woo is a little scared of large waves, and you'll note a big one coming in the background, which Piper desperately uses to her advantage in a bid to escape)


STEP FIVE - MAKES PIPER ROARING MAD AS HE TRIES TO PREVENT HER FROM REACHING LAND
(Here Piper fakes him out by spinning away to the right as she tries to reach land, where she thinks she will be safe. She is screaming a war cry like Mel Gibson in that movie about Scotland. It's all bravado - she knows her only hope is to make it to shore)


STEP SIX - ENGAGES TEETH
(Piper is only slightly bigger than Woo. But pound for pound, she packs an astonishing amount of power in her tiny form and Woo knows that paws alone are not enough. He busts out the second weapon - teeth. Note they are firmly lodged in her ear, as Woo tends to go for sensitive areas. He's a very dirty fighter.)

(This needed two photos, so you, dear viewer, can really feel the anguish and desperation of Piper trying to escape with a 25 lb parasite in her ear)


STEP SEVEN - WATER ATTACK HAS FAILED. TIME TO RE-ARM
(This is the most heinous shot of all. Can you see the mad glint in his evil big Woo eyes? Woo has failed to drown Piper, but he is tenacious and now intends to kill her on land, by using the ultimate weapon - The Wootie Stick. He'll stop at nothing to win. He's a real bastard)

STEP EIGHT - CONTINUE THE FIGHT TO THE DEATH
(WTF? He is still on her ear! Damnit, he is such a little devil)

At this point, I broke it up, because I felt so sorry for Piper. She gave up and laid down, put Mad Teeth (tm) away and basically surrendered. I had to put the camera down and pull Woo, who is a very lousy winner/poor sport, off her inert form. It was the saddest thing, Piper all covered in sand and mentally and physically beaten.

Doesn't it just break your heart?


So now you know the real story behind Mad Teeth (tm) and the truth about wide eyed 'innocent' Woo and his nefarious deeds. Don't be fooled by his apparent goofiness - he's actually a terrorist!

Meanwhile, Tweed pursues his ball (Tweed only plays with "his" ball, showing an incredible amount of disdain for balls tainted by other dogs' saliva) with single-minded concentration. He is completely oblivious to the fact that he is on a battle field.

A photo where he actually doesn't look like a total dork

Gratuitous Red Dog Photo Alert!!
Geez, this dog fairly glows with saintliness. How can you not love him?
Speaking of Red Dog, I had to take him off the Prednisone. It worked really well at a high dose, but when I weaned him down to a maintenance level it failed to maintain! The elbow badness returned with a vengeance. Last week I started him on Duramexx, and even after an increase in dosage, it has failed to put even a dent in his pain management. The next drug we are going to try is Tramadol, which is not an anti-inflammatory, so may only be a stop gap measure as it may deal with his pain, but not the progression of the bone deterioration.

I'm getting desperate, I don't know what to do with him. If Tramadol fails, we will have to go back to a regularly high dose of prednisone. I am forced to make a choice between quantity and quality of life ... do I have him for a long time in varying degrees of pain? Or do I have him for a shorter time, but sound? This is a tough decision to make.


Let's end this on a sillier note, because no one can shake like Tweed!

4 comments:

Natalie said...

I am very sorry to hear that Red Dog isn't doing so well. I really hope one of those medications helps him.

And I contend your photo montage of the evil Woo is tainted by your obvious bias. I refuse to believe Woo is evil! No no no!

The Border Collies said...

Thank you for the kind words about RD, I too hope something helps him! He is an important part of my life.

Woo is the worst kind of evil because he pretends to be otherwise. Don't be fooled!!

dp said...

Woo is too cute not to be evil. Not that Piper's not evil. Still, I'm taking her side on this one.

Sad news about RD -- I really hope that one of the other options will help him. I will choose quality over quantity of life for my dogs any day because I think that's what they would choose if given the choice. Both would be ideal, of course. Seems to be Reuben's choice, godammit.

Ammiejane said...

I just came across your sight (I was searching for what kind of dog my border mix might be) and I am in awe of your pictures.... Amazing records of your dogs' lives that you have been able to catch. Just wanted to say kudos! I wish I could take pics like that of my girl!