Sunday, July 13, 2008

How To Kill A Mocking Squirrel (A Mocumentary)

Cheeky bastard.

The stealthy hunter regards his prey with detached skepticism, but don't be fooled. He is a cunning and sly beast.

Yes, indeed, he wants that tasty morsel.

But how? How can he coax his dinner down from its natural habitat (the Gazebo framework of a West End Penthouse)?

First, he will try something unique to the Woo species; he will attempt to startle the squirrel into falling from its perch by "barkscreaming" (tm) at it ... frightening it, the camerawoman and many neighbors for blocks in every direction.

When this fails to to the trick, he then resorts to physical activity - a very rare capture in this species, ladies and gentlemen - and will leap vertically into the air repeatedly. In some species, this is known as "boinging."

Alas, this too has failed to dislodge the cheeky bastard from its perch. The threat of more scary barkscreaming (tm) and angry neigbors to come ...

... prompts this mocumentarist to take the bold move of interfering with nature and providing The Wootie with

Success at last.

And this the kill sequence begins.

First, he must grab the squirrel and shake it "all about"

Sometimes, something intimate and primal, known as "Secksy Time," is incorporated into the ritual.

Once successfully shaken (never stirred) the squirrel's head or face is then blissfully chewed into fabric bits. This is known as "going to his happy place" and is only seen when new squirrels have been freshly purchased from Target (alas, it does not seem that we will be making any trips to Target in the near future!). And it must take place in a deck chair.

The Wootie is a prideful animal - one might, without seeming ridiculous, go so far as to call him "boastful." This can lead to unfortunate interpack rivalries, where The Wootie's insolence can turn to loss at any moment. For while The Woo is showing off his prize, he is not being mindful of the envy he is instilling in Piper.

Piper has been waiting for this moment.

The squirrel will be hers.

and then The Food Lady takes away the squirrel, because it's our last one and we don't want them ripping it in half!

Tonight Mr. Sport ate about a cup of kibble off the floor, provided I did not look at him. I had to stand with my back to him and look at the ceiling and pretend I did not see him eating. Another quirk in the Sporty Arsenal of Old Dog Quirks!


mckie2 said...

Why couldn't you have just told the nasty crossing guard lady that you were going to America to go to Target. Surely she would have let you spend money in America.

Anonymous said...

Well, I can (kinda...well...maybe...) be embarrassed to have people watch me eat (especially after a weekend of trialing.) Truly - it's *not* a pretty sight. Maybe Sport is just bashful.

Seriously, he should come visit Oso who just illicitly stole my pear & cheese & salami (left the pear, the wanker) and ATE IT ALL. (Oh..did I mention I was trialing all weekend? See above paragraph. NOT a happy camper right now.) Despite Ipecac, he refuses to relinquish the cheese. Pancreatitis here we come. Oh joy. I found myself yelling "Why aren't you like Sport????"

Anonymous said...

Ice cream. Vanilla Ice Cream. On your floor of course so Sport can lick it up.

Tristan - I'm a Heavenly King said...

Haha. That's funny. Yeah, tell the nasty guard lady you were going to buy some squirrels at Target for your dogs. She might do a barkscreaming(tm) that will put Mr Woo to shame! :)

Glad to hear dear ol'Sport is starting to eat though it has to be outta eye shot of humans! Bits of a pain but oh well, at least he's eating. He's a cranky old boy alright! That said, it's so hard not to love him.

Fenway said...

I think I have Old Sport's number....

He thinks he's stolen food or discovered some tasty human contraband that was accidentally dropped. Casual placement on the floor woke up his hunting instinct!

I think Sport enjoys the thrill of foraging and discover as much as eating!

We love the pics of the Great Squirrel Hunt. Can we see some dismemberment?

Tammy said...

I have a Tar-jay just down the street from me, send me your address and I will hook you up with some squirrels. Can't have the Woo being deprived of his sweet, sweet love.

Biggie-Z said...

I guess stuffie-smuggling is a real danger out there huh? Well it's good to know our borders are safe from Mocking-Squirrel-Killers!

And YAY Sport! We wonder if he was beaten up by other dogs for eating, and so if he's around anyone he is submissive to, he can't eat?? Poor li'l buddy.


jane said...

I love it when Mr. Woo is the star of the show! Why does Piper always have to horn in on his glory? Squirrel snatcher!

Anonymous said...

Tigger Woo. Excellent, funny pictures, but I missed Mr. Tweed.

riosmom said...

The picture of Woo standing up on the chair with his mouth open should be titled "Duh!". A fun sequence.

I am sure you have tried a nice meaty bone for Sport. From what I could see in a couple of pictures, his teeth look amazing for a 16 year old dog. Hope he's eating.

Anonymous said...

Wootie earned the honor of dismembering the squirrel. Piper should have been subjected to rationale at that point.

Wootie has the vertical leap perfected!