Friday, February 26, 2010

Mommy will kick you until you're dead.

Say whuuut?
n0001

Ha ha! I was having a conversation recently with an animal trainer friend of mine (whom I won't "out" here in case she doesn't want anyone to know about her personal vulgarities) and when I made a joke about Wootie's recall being something along the lines of "Fine! I hope you drown in that river, you willfully-deaf, disobedient, pile of orange garbage!" she told me that her newest response to *her* 'selective listening' dog was to promise to kick him until he was dead.

I *may* have laughed until I cried.

Abby doesn't find it all that funny.
l0007

This got me thinking about all the Frustration Phrases that have either come out of my mouth, or the mouths of my friends, with respect to their dogs over the years.

Why just last weekend, after the agility trial, I posted on Facebook something to the effect of how proud I was of Tweed, and that I'd left Piper in the dumpster behind the gas station on my way home. Which was indeed something I had threatened her with when we left the trial site.

She's just kidding. Right? *goes off to find Piper*
n0008

In agility class, Tweed expresses his enthusiasm by talking about how happy he is. Loudly, rhythmically and eternally. It's this great, booming, metronomic ARF ARF ARF ARF - you could play an entire symphony on the piano to this noise. He does it while other dogs are running, and it increases in frequency when he thinks it's his turn: WOOFWOOFWOOFWOOFWOOF. It. Drives me. INSANE.

Our class often runs late, and generally our last exercise is a timed run-off where we all try to run clean and beat everyone else. The next class is frequently coming in to set up while we are finishing up the Competition Run - and since I have two dogs who run 16" Specials, Piper is often near the beginning, and Tweed somewhere near the end, so they catch Tweed's run mostly. I don't know all the people in the next class, just a few of them.

Recently one friend in the late class told me that I scared the bejesus out of some of his classmates by hollering at Tweed "I will reach down your throat and remove your bark box with my fingers if you don't shut up!!"

You'd have to catch me like a tennis ball first!
n0009

(don't tell anyone we were playing Dumball, okay? Shhh.)

Food Lady let us play Dumball! Food Lady let us play Dumball!!
n0006

Dexter, I will shake you until your testicles drop.

(Hmm. Not a bad idea, actually.)

My friend Finn, whom I've blogged about before, is like the tattooed patron saint of needy animals. She's worked in animal welfare her whole life. She travels the world lending a hand to animals in crisis; she was in New Orleans post-Hurricane Katrina, she is regularly at New Hope's Casa Lupita in Nicaragua. Now she is heading off to Haiti in the aftermath of the horrible earthquakes that have devastated the Haitians. In other words, there is nobody more invested in the well being of the world's critters than Saint Finn.

And yet, Finn has been heard to tell her dogs that she will beat them repeatedly with a 2X4 before sending them back to the Pound. Loudly.

I think people need to have more of a sense of humour when it comes to their dogs sometimes. We get so caught up in being politically correct about how we train, how patient and tolerant we can be ... we forget sometimes that dogs can be really freakin' frustrating, and that it's okay to get irritated, and that without a healthy sense of humour about it, we might go insane. As long as you channel your frustration into funny ... that way, you're a lot less likely to *actually* take it out on your dog.

Last night Dexter ate my headphones for Skype. Whilst sitting on my toes, I might add, innocent as a Spring blossom, the little turd monkey. I *may* have told him he was getting the leftovers for breakfast, and that there would be no more real food coming his way, ever.

I don't know about you, Mr. Husky, but I think TFL just likes to hear the sound of her own voice. I don't like it much, and that's why I ignore her. What say we take her out?
n0007

Plus I think they learn something from it.

Last night in agility class, Piper nailed her weave entries every.single.run. That's never happened in the history of Piper. (Piper: "The dog full of GO, but empty of KNOW" ~ courtesy of Christine. hee hee!!) I like to believe the dumpster threat is responsible for this magical turn of events.

So what's your dirty little secret? What threats do you utter at your recalcitrant canines? Don't be ashamed - I won't judge you! After all, my K9 Mantra is:

More Beatings. Less Love.


Oh shut up already. And here's your stupid frisbee.
n0004

92 comments:

Donna said...

I often threaten to sell Justice to gypsies. This worked AMAZINGLY the first time, but apparently not following through on my threat has left her saying "ha ha ha, no you won't, I don't even SEE any gypsies." as she waltzes off to do whatever it is that is more important than me. Which is everything.

More beatings, less love. I gotta come up with more realistic threats.

Barb said...

These aren't original but they make me grin as I'm saying them, which IMO is the whole point - gets your frustration out without making you sound so seriously angry that it scares the dog:
1. I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it!
2. I'm gonna trade you in for a gerbil, then sell the gerbil.
3. I'm going to kick you into next week.

But I think "I'm gonna kick you until you are dead" is my new fave!

Just A Girl said...

I tell my dog I'm going to throw her out the window, which is a completely empty threat since we live in a ranch house. She doesn't know that though.

riosmom said...

The picture of Woo and the husky should be labeled "Make my day" and is heart stopping - Woo really looks like he is asking for trouble and is about to get it.

I know lots of people suggested you write a dog training book - it sure would be different!

I can't compete in the threat department because my dogs are perfect - in my dreams. But I try not to show my frustration because both dogs shut down if I do but I do use sarcasm "Would it really kill you to move so I don't have to step over you?"

BcBerri said...

My neighbors laugh every time they here me in the back yard working with the boys. He thinks it's hysterical & gets that it's all in love :)

1. I'm going to turn all of you into furry little throw rugs!

2. I'm going to let Jake use you for target practice! (my cousin who is an avid hunter)

3. Do it again and I will simply drown you in your sleep! (yeah, I don't even know where this one originally came from)

Karen said...

Tip down Dex.
Oh you're in fine form, what a post:) Can't think of any things offhand that I threaten the dogs with, does that mean they must be perfect? I think not!
When I am teaching at our club I do tell the newbies that it is perfectly fine to swear at their dogs, just keep it happy:)

Debra Kay said...

I'm glad you posted this. I feel like I can share among friends.

1. YOU really are my least favorite dog.....

2. You give me more grey hairs than all the others.

3.(this one for solo) Sometimes I wish I had let Molly EAT you when you got here.

4. If we are all starving-we are eating you first.

5. I am going to shoot you and tell God you died.

Debra Kay said...

Oh and

"I should stuff you-you'd still be nice to look at but less trouble"

Clara said...

There's one main threat in my house and that is "you are going in a sack in the river!" But I may start using the dumpster threat, I like that too!

2halves said...

I frequently tell Kate that I will blacken her other eye. “Matching set? Is that what you’re going for? ‘Cause we can make that happen.”

cre8vekaos said...

The one I've had to use lately, is "When I catch you, I'm going to tie your ears on TOP of your head so you'll at least HEAR ME!"

All I get is the tail in return. Sigh. I think I'll take the cat up on his offer of a hit.

Anonymous said...

The one most commonly used @ our house is ".... how would you like to wear your ass as a hat !?????" while pretending to butt kick said sashaying ass as it runs away.

supergreen said...

I don't often threaten my dog, because he is very insecure, but with my horses I often tell them 'the beatings will continue until morale improves'.

Kilo said...

Unfortunately, threats would be lost on my not-so-bright Xolo, I just switch from calling her "Gretta" to "Regretta" as in I regret ever adopting your scrawny little ass!

Alaska said...

"Your visiting privileges are hereby canceled from now to eternity!", said to the red kelpie this very morning as I stomped through the neighbor's marshy cow pasture to retrieve him so I could leave for work (now with wet feet). Yes, he did make me late for work, and no, he did not have visiting privileges in the first place.

That's definitely not in the same league as "kick you until you're dead," but I agree, verbalizing such feelings with as much black humor as possible is a great way to drain off the frustration.

Fenway said...

I tell 'em I'm going to release him in traffic.

Carol said...

You know, I don't often get frustrated with my dogs... I don't know that I've ever wanted to kick them til they're dead! :)

Maybe having a sister that I often want to leave in a dumpster makes my dogs seem like angels!

r0ssie said...

My mom recently had to have her dog put down. Since then, the standard threat has been "you're next!" Totally inappropriate.

Helene said...

Everymorning I go to walk my dog like a good mom, and just sits there and stares at me, doesn't move a muscle. I whistle, I say COME, I pick up the leash, I open the door, and I threaten to go without her. I mean really, aren't dogs, especially labs,supposed to want to go out? I shouldn't have to beg. But she knows I won't go without her so she comes down when she is ready.

Melinda said...

"Remember: those of us with thumbs rule the world". (Perhaps muttered more as a self-affirmation than anything else. How pathetic is that?)

"Now where did I put that receipt from the pound..." (as 4 dawgs happily flip me the dew claw and continue with whatever they were doing in the first place)

"You do know I could rip your throat out while you're sleeping, right?"(Oops! That's what my *dogs* say when frustrated with me...)

cinnamondog said...

Unoriginal but satisfying: "Get in the car, I'm going to take you to the shelter and tie you to the railing!"

"I will drop-kick you so hard you will hit Western Avenue and bounce!"

For Sundance, who is a poop-eater: "You know, you are what you eat!" But lately I have been calling him "my little lotus blossom" because the Buddhist symbol of a lotus, which grows out of the muck and filth ... yeah, it's kind of labored. I'll probably just go back to "Sundance, you shit-head" pretty soon.

Crazy Dog Blog said...

I just wanted to say that everyone's comments made me laugh almost as much as your post.

Please don't stop blogging Food Lady! Your posts are always the highlight of my day.

julie said...

I only get as far as "Watch it, or I'll step on your toes deliberately!" to Hasse when she's jumping backwards, or sideways like a crab, so close to me I can smell her breath (in a manner of speaking, I can't actually smell anything, except when she had goat the night before, yuk) for the UMPTEENTH time! And I only yell that when I'm tired of stepping on them accidentally. ;)
"Next time I will dump you in that hole before I close it up!" *may* also have slipped out once after finding another hole my BC's dug. But only once or so, since I find it hard to believe they dig these holes themselves - they look more like bomb craters!

Great, funny post as usual. Thanks for being back and sharing your awesome dogs and their stories!

Katherine said...

I tell my guys I'm going to "Caesar Milan" them. Then I let them fill in the blanks...

Carla said...

Oh I am so glad you are still here and posting, I have been reading forever but this is my first post, I really needed a laugh today.

My favorites these days are (for 10mo old border collie)

1. when she chewed through my laptop adapter cord the "second" time, "I hope your ass got electrocuted".

2. When she blows me off to run around the forest behind our house (rarely is she off the long lead) "I hope you run into a COYOTE!"

Schnauzer-Houser said...

I have Schnauzers, so I threaten to drag them by their beards or chop off what's left of their stub-tail. Or, if they are jerks at a trial I threaten to tie them to the roof of the car on the drive home.

Waylon Aussies said...

I agree - the post itself made me laugh my ass off, and the comments have been just as good.

When we were putting in the fence posts to the main gates leading back to our farm, I placed the ashes of two of our dogs (that I'd saved until I had a proper place to put them) at the base of each post as we sunk the post.

I'm still holding on to the ashes of my first herding dog to place them at the gate post of our new training pen when it is built. So since then my threat has been, "I've got a post hole with your name on it!"

Tatyana said...

When I'm grooming annoying mannerless dogs (usually the kind that move and twist and fight nonstop not realizing that my scissors can slice an ear off) I threaten to send them to Korea where they will feed a small family for two days.

Nothing against Korea, and I'm not implying that all Koreans eat dogs or anything like that. But it IS done and it DOES make me feel slightly less frustrated telling shithead dogs about it.

Better say mean things than alpha roll them dog whisperer style like some groomers love to.

Carole said...

Along with "I'm going to give you away to a very mean family!", my favourite threat to my beloved but excessively barky terrier x was "if you don't shut up I'm going to RIP YOUR EARS OFF!"

I once said this (much too loudly) in the vet's waiting room. For once it worked, and it was followed by a shocked silence. From everyone, including the dog, the other clients, the staff...

Anonymous said...

1." or die!" said in the voice of painful death, or Darth Vader, whichever you can muster in your last-nerve state of mind.

2. You'd make a VERY nice coat!
-Ruth B.

Quinn said...

My dad likes to threaten the animals a lot - he enjoys telling my dog, Snickers, to "Go play in the road!"
And, "Go out and play in the street with that other dog - Greyhound!" Like, y'know. The bus. >.>

In a mock-threatening arena, I tell Snickers often that I'm going to "beat him up with love".

Anonymous said...

I see I should have previewed my comment, sent previously.

"(insert command here) or die!"

Ashley said...

When I am working with my dock diving retriever and he's being a pain, I tell him I will throw him into the f$$%^#$ water if he doesn't get in it.

I threaten to sell them, to give them to the pound, that I will 'kick you so hard you won't know what hit you', and for my retriever (who is the worse) 'THIS IS WHY BORDER COLLIES ARE THE SMARTEST, YOU'RE DUMB AS A ROCK' which isn't quit a threat just a yelled (frequently) saying to him because sometimes he really drives me nuts.

Shetlander said...

I have an all-purpose, vague "I swear to God..." which I never really finish and even I'm not sure what I'm vowing to do. I sometimes generically say "I will hurt you." And I've been known to remark "I'll hang you like a windsock."

People sometimes look at me funny but the dogs ignore me.

Sweet~Ceana said...

HAHAHA! These are great. My angry dog phrase is "Well nobody really likes you anyway."

Elizabeth said...

I regularly threaten to throw my cat (my 19.3 lb cat - who is not actually fat, just giant) out the window. I live on the third floor.

And you know what? It works! He stops crying at me!

3aussiemom said...

I tell the rotten little spotty dog I will rip his vocal cords out with my bare hands. He cocks his little head & looks at me "srsly momma?" Sometimes I just say Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Now. That doesn't work either. Sigh. He has SO much to say.

Larissa said...

"If i believed in beating dogs i would beat the shit out of you" or "I'm throwing ALL the frisbees out!!!!!!!!!" And that normally gets her attention because Frisbee or F word or even Flying disc makes her drop everything and expect play time. Am i going to hell for saying Frisbee with no frisbee in hand? i think she wished me there LOL. But it got her to come back to me ha!

Alex93andme said...

I love this post!!! I let Holly outside in the fenced backyard and she doesn't come in when I call her. I scream "stay out there you....., I don't like you anyway.....you are a ....... and nobody would ever have you except the pound." Then I turn the lights off and linger at the back door checking to see where she is!! Sometimes I worry about someone calling the police on my cussing so loud outside!! If they do, I'll blame Holly! Lots of love, Debbie and "the good/bad dog Holly" (I'm sure all she is hearing from me is blah blah blah blah)

StefRobrts said...

Excellent! I thought I was the only one who let their dog occasionally push them past the edge of sanity. When I lose it I tell Barclay he's a rotten little son of a bitch, but I guess that's all true, so it explains why he just ignores me and continues whatever evil thing he was doing...

melissa said...

I threaten to beat Shadow with my dog-beating stick.
I also threaten to take her back to the shelter and trade her in for a better dog.

Mary said...

After Ryder has flipped me the paw for a few agility runs I sing him the 'SPCA' song *to the tune of Village People YMCA*
Sing it with me Ryder - We're going to go to the S-P-C-A....

Liza said...

I show basenjis in obedience and agility, so I have a lot of sayings.

My favorites are:

Basenji potpie tonight! or
Basenji en brochette!

Or, I'm gonna give you free to a bad home! Vivsectionist preferred.

Liza

Kate said...

I sometimes threaten my dog that I will sell him to the glue factory for $6. Doesn't work.

dojodog said...

Both of my boys were re-homed several times before we adopted them. So, telling them "You can be re-homed again" seems to work most of the time.

Running With Dogs said...

I used to work for a rescue that trained the dogs before adopting them out; and more than one dog recalled to "I'm gonna kick your ass" - now try explaining THAT to a potential adopter!

karron said...

When I dogsit my friends Beardie (entire show dog), I threaten her and him with - "if he pees inside, I'll cut his balls off". I dont so much yell at Loki, but when he's not paying attention its usually "hello, earth to Loki, earth calling Loki" or "please feel free to engage your brain anytime soon"

Emma Rose said...

We have a Border Collie pup, 7 months old, and the thing that really gets him is calling him "stupid". It's almost like he KNOWS what we're saying!

Mindy said...

I don't have to threaten my dogs.... they are perfect. (Ducking for cover!)

Chasing The Dog said...

I threatened to beat my dog until she couldn't breathe and then I thought "wow. that can't be healthy that that actually just fell from my mouth" but she's still breathing. So, you know, no harm, no foul. :)

Suzanne said...

When the sound of aluminum foil turns my girl bc into a screaming hyena I tell her "I swear I'm going to chop off your head."
During other moments of completely unprovoked bark screaming madness (and there are plenty of them) I threaten to toss her in a pot and cook her into stew.

Ann said...

I'm going to send you back to Butthead-istan and teach the CAT how to do musical freestyle.

Life in vet school said...

I tell my bad little dog that
1) we're going to roast her for dinner.

2) we're going to sell her to the gypsies, except that they probably won't want her so we'll have to pay them to take her away. And then they'll dress her in one of those frilly jester collars and make her dance for them, and if she won't then they won't feed her.

(it's kind of long. But she actually sits there and looks at me quizzically while I'm telling her all that).

Life in vet school said...

Once, when I was convinced she'd figured out I was totally bluffing, I opened the oven door and picked her up and carried her over to it to try to put her inside (it was OFF! And I wasn't REALLY going to put her inside!). She got scared, and I felt so bad that I spent the next five minutes apologizing and telling her what a good dog she is. Which she's NOT.

Total threat fail.

Anonymous said...

Upon watching my border collie Seamus completely ignore me calling him and jump into a very fast running river to likely rescue a rock from the bottom, I yelled "Oh my god, Seamus, get out of there, you f%$*wad!" I instantly looked around to make sure no one heard me! He luckily survived a very cold dip in the rushing water, popping up with a rock, just as he planned.

tualizzy said...

Ha ha! You all crack me up!
Happy to hear I'm not the only one who uses Cesar Milan as a threat.

Jean said...

My threats are pretty non-violent - usually something like "If you don't get over here right this minute, there'll be NO TREATS for a week!". Unfortunately, what they hear is "blah blah blah blah TREATS blah blah blah"!

Hmmm... on the other hand, it gets the job done - they come running thinking I am going to give them a treat!

Lacey said...

I threaten to get the baseball bat. Or I tell her to go play in the middle of Bay Rd.

Julie B said...

I never comment, but this is good. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
The frequent threats around here are:
1. You're going to the glue factory
2. I'm taking you to the reserve to trade you in for a dog who will appreciate me
3. You make a terrible border collie

Dog Nerd said...

LOL, no tualizzy, you're not the only one...A common phrase in my house is "I'm gonna get all 'calm and assertive' on yo ass!"
Or, "That's IT! It's alpha role time!"

Darlene said...

I have often threatened my animals:

my cats with cat stew, roast cat, and selling them to a local ethnic buffet where the chunky one would be worth a fortune.

But then came a sad moment when a cat had to be put down, and we came back to the house with red weeping eyes and the empty cat carrier, and the dogs were all sitting there, staring.

And I said "THAT'S what happens to animals who don't listen. I did it once, I'll do it again..."

Flo said...

Duncan, who is a mutt from a shelter that is now my full time service dog, still manages to be so willfully disobedient (not intelligent disobedience where he hauls my oblivious ass out of traffic, the "in a minit! in a minit! I smell something!" flips me the paw and keeps on going sort of disobedience- usually in front of a judge) that I have been known to threaten him with "I will find a pair of balls, stitch them back on and then kick them up between your EYEBALLS!!"


Star, who is my mom's intact butthead, regularly gets threatened with having his balls lopped off and stuffed up his nose so he'll have a brain in his head, or, if he won't shut up, that she'll stick his nose up his own asshole so he can find his brain in his rectum.

I never thought this was odd, but then, one of our close friends has a dog who will only "get in the damn truck" but will not "get in the truck".

MahnaMahna said...

We often tell Girl Friday that we will rip off her tail and beat her with it if she doesn't shut up... but she just doesn't seem to care!

Ariana Jo said...

Common threats around here:

1)To my dingo-esque wild dog that loves nothing more than to prowl around the woods on long hikes and patrol his yard: "If you don't 'insert action wanted here' I'm going to give you to a soccer family in Cary with a minivan and rotten kids who live in a house with no yard!" Cary being the yuppiest of the yuppy havens in our area.

2) To my dedicated door dasher of a cat who runs out all the freakin' time: "I'm going to make a hat out of you, a nice coon skin cap Daniel Boone style bitch, because you have that nice fluffy tail." This is usually muttered as I trample through the underbrush in my work clothes in the morning.

3)To our other cat: "Aww, you're the dumbest cat ever, but at least you're cute." Truly the dumbest cat ever she has pooped in her own food bowl, she chews on the fake fireplace logs, and has gotten trapped in a paper bag.

Cait said...

1. "I'm going to sell you to the Korean restaurant that the health department keeps raiding!"

2. SLIPPERS. Needs no elaboration. (Or, in the case of the collie, BATHMAT.)

Anonymous said...

I don't have anything witty to say to the mutts, I just swear!
I love your blog, so I hope the donation reaches you okay.

Shasta said...

My usual threat is something like "I will take your ass down to Chinatown," or "if you mark the chair ONE MORE TIME, I will cut your weiner off."

Susan said...

I threaten the cat with making her into soup the next time she messes with the blinds. I think she realizes that it is an empty threat:)

Momto3BlackLabs said...

The most common threat around here is, "I'm gonna beat the black off of you!" (We have 3 black labs)

Otherwise, we mostly get out our frustration with them through name calling...some of our favorites are whore, bitch, nutjob, punk and psycho. Side note: Before I was a dog owner, I used to be APPALLED when my sister called her dog a whore. Now that is probably the most-used name around here. haha

TheRedQueen said...

I often threaten to toss Inara out of the window of the moving car...and I tell her that I'd have no regrets.

I also like the 2X4 comment, and often tell my guys that they're gonna get beat upside the head with one.

And of course..."I'm going to beat you all senseless!"


I tell my friends that this is why I'm a positive reinforcement trainer...otherwise I'd follow through with my threats.

Tristan and Braun said...

"BACK TO THE KENNEL!!!" and he'll stick as close to me as possible for the rest of the walk - maybe that will stop Mr Woo from disappearing half the time :)

Ninso said...

Hehe!

I have a three-legged cattle dog mix. Shortly after I got him I was out doing yard work and the dogs were hanging out with me. Elo would NOT stop barking--at cars, people, noises, planes flying over the yard, birds, everything. I happened to have a saw in my hand. He looked up at me and I told him ever so sweetly, "yes, this is what we're going to use to cut your OTHER leg off!!!"

I'm a big fan of channeling frustration into ridiculous threats!

Ruth Hansell said...

Most commonly heard threat at my house: "I'm going to take you to a very public place and beat you, then bring you home and beat you again." When I'm angry at both of them, "Sam, I'm going to beat you first, and then you, Shonie, and then I'm going to beat Sam again."

Said fairly often to Shoshone, "Cute won't save you now"

General all around threat, when I've had Just Too Much, "I'm going to sell you all for purposes of scientific experiment, and buy a picture of a fish."

DH's favorite: "You're going back to the pound and we'll get a REAL dog with a work ethic."

Very creative threats, here, thanks for the great laughs. And Sheena, thanks for keeping on.

Ruth

Ktbug Ladydid said...

I channel the "soup nazi" from Seinfeld, saying, "no food for you!". Of course, I inevitably give in, because she gives me the death-stare-of-cuteness, and I melt. I'll probably have more original sayings when we try out agility this summer.

CarolG. said...

I've been know to threaten to rip intestines out through the nostrils. I also tell them to make the life affirming choice. What is wild though is all the cats, the dog, and my (17 year old)son know to stop all the nonsense if I start counting. It has never been established what I would do but they get the message.

Leslie Hawes said...

Soup.
Dog soup.

Shey said...

I think I'm gonna have to borrow some of these threats. Heh. I use mostly one of three threats:

1. I'm going to leash you to the faucet in the bathtub and leave you there all day.

2. Don't make me get a new dog.

3. I'm going to let the cats ninja your face into next Friday.

insanedogowner said...

Threats to the horse. I call him:

1. Alpo
2. Elmer

Threats to the barking Aussies:

1. I am gonna rip your f'ing head off.
2. Yes, Gale the neighbors all know you are home. Now we are going to have to go to the pound because I am over the legal limit.
3. You want to die young don't you?
4. You're killing me and then you will be homeless.

General:

1. You have GOT to be kidding me.
2. . NOW.
3. For fuck's sake. (<y personal favorite. Covers so much.)
4. And they say border collies are SMART?

Hunde Haus said...

insane dog owner has mine down pat.

Oh fer f*** sakes!

I also ask my blind 8 month old GSD a million times a day "are you f***ing crazy?

He's bonked his head so many times he may well be.

He also hears quite often "stop poking the bear!!" when he is bugging on my 10 year old male grump.

Finn said...

You missed some of our greater hits.

¨I will beat you until you bleed from the eyes¨.

¨Who want some blue sweet baby jesus juice?¨ (anyone who has ever worked in a shelter just went oh-my-god-no-she-does-not-say-that. Or they´re so screwed up they´re going to use it.

Thibadeux, the brain damaged Katrina pit bull, gets told her ass will get shipped back to Louisiana and we will find her a nice pickup to chain her to while she waits for the levies to go again.

Also whenever you ask my ex what he did today he always starts with ´well first I beat Thibadeux with a baseball bat/vacuum cleaner/mallet.´ It´s a running joke but sometimes he forgets and says to someone who doesn´t get it.

´Who wants to wind up in a dumpster?´

´Don´t make me get the board with the nails in it´.

You just finish telling everyone what a saint I am and I cop to this. Oy.

Thank you!

Fi said...

I threatened to flush Caliber down the toilet.....

Performance Canine/HDR said...

I'm sure my neighbours could tell you a thing or two! Mostly my dogs hear me screaming..."BLUE NEEDLE! Do you hear me? Blue needle is what you are going to get you ungrateful little shits!"

Anonymous said...

I tell my BC's that I'm going to beat the black off them. They pretty much ignore my threats!

Wallflower said...

Well, hubby is frequently heard to say (to either dog) "I will kick you where your balls used to be"; for Dozer, it's "Get the F**k off me you horse, I should sell you for glue". We have also used the "kick you in the but so hard you will have your ass for a hat" one.
Also, this works well for dogs and boys (just sub. 'arm' for 'leg'): "I will tear your leg off and beat you with it!"
Probably good that we don't have any close neighbors.....!

Stephanie said...

We threaten to put our cat in the microwave. I don't even think he knows what it is but it shuts him up :)

For the dogs there's too many lol. Though I affectionately call my GSD/Collie mix "A little b!tch"

Anonymous said...

OMG I love it. Good to know i'm not alone.

I have 2 dogs who are v. v. different. One is more sensitive than the other.

The less sensitive I threaten to sell. Which is the only thing that works.

I've been threatening to tie my other dog to the top of the car for the long drive home for about a year. :) For little things i can usually leave it at: F*'in quit it. Nobody likes that dog.

Sabrina said...

I'm pretty boring with the old, "its a good thing you're cute or else I would have killed you by now". And although I have a lab and a pug, I will sometimes sing to them "But a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best!" a la Mr. Burns. Maybe they would take my threat more seriously if they were actually greyhounds...

Wendy said...

How about comments to my horse? I've threatened to sell him for glue on more than one occasion!

nickelsmum said...

When Mellie is barkscreaming at me while we're trying to practice flyball with some other dog: "Nobody likes you!" Sadly, my 12 year old teammate has picked this up. I'm such a bad influence.

This doesn't look as bad in print as it sounds in voice.

afinstrom said...

'Ello 'ello. I just found you blog. I just fiished reading every post and a couple of comments, going back to the one about the owl in the pine after you first moved.

Boy, you landed in my version of heaven! I can, after all, buy a espresso maker. What part of the country do you live in? I hail from Minnesota, in the heart of the Metro. And am planning my eventual escape to the stix even now...

Mar said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I almost feel normal again.

Danielle said...

nothing as creative as yours and other commenters', but I frequently tell my kids that their mothers were mongrels. Nope, doesn't do any good either.