Sunday, September 20, 2009

The Farmer In The Dell

Those of you who know me know that I never miss a chance to make fun of people who live in The Sticks. I like to joke that they marry their first cousins in the back of a pick-up truck to the ear-splitting tunes of the local bar's country & western band, 'cept for Terrance on the banjo, who got drunk and fell off his trailer's stoop and had to be replaced with Uncle Jim Bob, who plays a mean set of spoons. My friends in The Sticks don't care much for my jokes (and scowl at me from under the brim of their 10 gallon hats whilst gnawing on hayseed or whatever).

Anyway, today I was in The Sticks and witnessed one of the many crimes against nature that are the reason I don't get out there much:

That's a little dawg gettin' it on with a big dawg, who don't even notice none, while another one has a good ole look-see at the action. All of this was happening on someone's lawn.

Speaking of crimes against nature ... while fortunately Calibre, the randy Jack Russell, is neutered and Sonic the foster border collie is about to be spayed, a union between the two were they not would produce THE SPAWN OF SATAN also known as a BORDERJACK.

*Duhn-duhn-duhn*

This is Pip, a new foster in the TDBCR program. She is about 4 months old, 12 inches high and has a set of batteries on her that never run down.
Be afraid, dear readers. Be very afraid. But first, adopt this borderjack puppy!

If psychosis:

is not your thing, don't worry - we have another bargain for you.

One tongue for adoption (may or may not include border collie).

Sonic is a sable and white border collie (or possibly English Shepherd) who is also a newbie in our rescue program. You may know her by her Biker Gang nickname, "Howler Monkey." If you adopt her, you get twice as much tongue as you'd get with a regular dog.

Don't be sad that you have missed out on great deals we've offered in the past, like Gargoyle Dog:

Or the model that's so popular with kids - "Snarlpuss":

Because if you act now, we'll give you Spawn of Satan AND Howler Monkey, as one insane package. That's right, we're practically giving them away! Or they are running away. Whatever.

Anyway, back to The Sticks. What can I say? I'm a city girl - I grew up on the East Side and spent the last 10 years living in downtown Vancouver, lulled to sleep at night by the sounds of traffic, bums' shopping carts and drunk transvestites fighting with each other. Moving out here to the suburbs was quite the culture shock!

The only thing worse than friends who have children and become walking baby poo blogs are friends who move to The Sticks, and tell you stories that make you want to scratch your eyes out, like about finding spiders in their bra while unloading mountains of hay bales and the choice half of a cow they won at the local meat draw.

*vom*

And yet there is a part of me that longs for something that the city can't give me.

That something is this:

Zomg! Meet Maeve, the newest addition to our fostering program. I picked up Maeve to drive her to her foster home on Friday night and ... umm ... I didn't.

Bad Food Lady, bad!

Oh yeah, like YOU could have resisted this:

She is 8 months old, matches Piper dainty footsies for tiny pound and wiggled her way into my WANT PUPPY void. Dammit.

She is also completely hilarious.

The stinkin' thing is, I can't have 4 dogs in my condo. I barely squeaked in with 3, and that's only because my landlord went to bat for me, nice man that he is. Making Maeve a permanent addition would definitely mean moving. And if I'm going to move out of my perfectly nice condo, I may as well find something with a yard for the dogs. And since I'd be feeding more mouths, I may as well try and catch a break on the rent. And since none of those things are likely to come together in one abode in the city of Vancouver, it probably means moving to the sticks.

What do you think? Is this face worth swallowing my pride?

Oh who am I kidding? I have no pride. I do, after all, live with this:

We're dan-cin', yeah ...

Tweed said "You go right ahead and keep that puppy, Food Lady. I'm going to go home with these people" and he hopped into their van.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that those nice people were taking this home with them.

*duhn duhn duhn*

38 comments:

MaggieDog said...

It's a good thing BorderJacks are so cute, isn't it?!

You know we'd all love to see you keep Maeve and thus be able to tell us first hand stories of the wild things found in the Sticks. ;) She certainly is a cutie and SOOOOO worth a move.

littledevils said...

How about I help you by saying "Sorry Food Lady, you had your chance dropping her off here Friday night. Now I saw what a ugly hellion she is, she is not welcome any longer. YOU ARE STUCK WITH HER!"

Like I said yesterday - Congrats to the new addition ;-) It was obviously meant to be!

Jackie said...

doitdoitdoitdoit. You're just delaying the inevitable and you know it. DO IT!

Paula said...

Dude. Move your ass to The Sticks, pronto. She is SO worth it!

Love,
Your Pusher

PS. There might be something wrong with me, 'cause I think Pip is really cute and not Satan-spawnish at all.

Arwen said...

Oh gods, Maeve is beyond adorable. Half-white, half-black faces are just so damn cute!

(I'm still in love with Dutch. Are you sure about that not shipping policy? I mean, he's obviously meant to go to the Netherlands. He belongs here. Srsly.)

Arwen said...

Oh, is it bad that I want to draw the other half of that heart on Maeve's forehead?

Emma Rose said...

We moved to the "sticks" 13 years ago. I did not want to go. Now you couldn't pry me away. Room to breathe - room for dogs - stars at night - and peace and quiet. It really grows on you. As far as Maeve goes, you could just send Wootie to live with us and then you wouldn't have to move at all!!!

The Duchess (from Emma's blog)

Anonymous said...

you should definitely move and keep her. she's totally worth it...

and think of the jokes you'll be able to make about your neighbors!

:o)
amanda at manymuddypaws@yahoo.com

RaisingRiver said...

The split face and black tinged ear catch your eye, but the eyes grab your heart. *swoon* The meaning of the name Maeve is 'Intoxicating' (babynamesworld). Congrats :) teehee!

PoochesForPeace said...

Yea! Move to the sticks!! So much more freedom :)

Anonymous said...

Maeve is obviously your heart dog and a gorgeous addition. She and fat have chosen YOU. Besides, you wouldn't be the first to rent or buy a house for your dog. The amazing thing about moving to the sticks is that all your possessions magically expand to fill all the extra space.

DO IT! Maeve has claimed you.

Love and miss you!
Schnitzie

BCxFour said...

Maeve is stunning. She is worth the sacrifice.

Anonymous said...

GOGOGOGOGO!!!
She would be soooooo worth it!

shihtzustaff said...

Which area of the sticks are you thinking of?

We also did not want to leave Vancouver. But there is a lot to be said for the peace and quiet and the space.

Katharine Swan said...

A face like that, and you're even questioning whether Maeve is worth moving out to the sticks?

And anyway, it's a known fact. Dog owners do not have pride.

StefRobrts said...

Better get moving.

I highly recommend getting at least a few acres, so the dogs have some room to run. And of course, so that later you can add sheep! Then you'll be the one telling stories about buckin' hay, but you'll be lovin' it!

Erika said...

We moved because to "the sticks" because of our three dogs - I say go for it! An added bonus is all of the agility events are out this way.

Jett said...

Yes, Maeve belongs with you! The sticks aren't as bad as some people paint them and might even have some advantages. However, I *must* say that Maeve looks like a FLYBALL dog to me and not an agility dog at all! ;-)

Blue said...

Maeve is gorgeous! She is absolutely worth the move. :) The things we do for our dogs!

How are your other dogs adjusting to her?

Carol said...

Maeve is darling, but HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?
:) And what is up with all these enablers who post comments on your blog? Kinda reminds me of frat bros cheering each other on while chugging alcohol until they are reeling around puking on themselves.:)
Do NOT move to the sticks. Do NOT keep Maeve. (But if you do, you can send me Tweed. What the heck, I'll drive up and pick him up.)

My verification word is MESHI, as in things will be very very MESHI if you keep Maeve.

KatieF said...

I think Maeve may be the twin of my BC, Ike. Check this out... http://picasaweb.google.com/ksfitzpatrick/AnniversaryHikeFillmoreGlen#5353590131576074642

MalaysianFan said...

Food Lady, NONE of your oodles of cuteness photos -- the Peanuts puppies, the foster kittens -- moved me like the shots of Maeve. I agree with your other readers. Send Tweed off in the van with the Borderjack, or move to The Sticks (I'm sure some brawling transvestites could be located to ease your transition) -- but you MUST have that fantabulous, intoxicating Maeve! Yes, her eyes are extraordinary.

tualizzy said...

DO IT FOOD LADY!!!
The Sticks won't be so bad... heck, its not like you're going to end up here in Hicksville. Dispite the stupid dog bylaw here, the rednecks are pretty nice. :)

Julia said...

Oh man. I'd move for that pup in a heartbeat! Go for it!

Tristan - I'm a Heavenly King said...

If you move to The Sticks, I reckon you could take Linus too? ;)

Diamond Girl said...

No! Don't do it! Don't keep Maeve. NO WAY! I am certain she doesn't belong with you. That is because I am certain she belongs in Arizona. WITH ME!!!!!!!!!! How on earth did that beautiful dog end up in rescue? Were her original owners beat down by the drunk transvestites and then carted off in the bums' shopping carts?

shap said...

After lots of great photos, finally an adoptee (Maeve) I think I could get my wife to agree to even though we shouldn't. And if I thought we had the time to handle another Border Collie I'ld be standing outside your condo baying at the moon. Which, of course, would just get me funny looks from the furry crew, but you'ld at least let me meet Maeve to get me to shut up. Years ago, my first dog actually enjoyed howling at the moon with me.

Oh well. Maybe when we buy a permanent house out here in Seattle we'll be ready for BC number two. But I'll need to get Trevor to agree to share my lap first.

Cathy, Che and Jeepers said...

That's a face that could launch a thousand moving vans.

Life in vet school said...

NOT to encourage you, but just to keep in mind while you're looking for a new place -- a friend of mine in the midwest who runs a rescue had 11 dogs living with her at one point (she was on the verge of hoarding -- there were two perfectly good shelter buildings and dozens of eager foster homes, but I digress) which was totally illegal for her city.......but several of them were medium-sized blondish dogs, and several of them were small black dogs, and her neighbors thought she had FOUR DOGS because she never took them all out at the same time and to non-dog people just being a similar size and similar coloration is enough to make them think it's the same dog. So.........4 dogs? What 4 dogs? Maeve could be Piper in a pinch.

Michelle said...

While everyone else is enabling, can I just say I LOVE Sonic? She and my Aussie would have such fun together! If there weren't the little issues of an international border and an unwilling husband, she would be moving to Oregon NOW.

Lynnek42 said...

She is freakin' cute! I'm with everyone else - get moving!

Anonymous said...

I would just say enabling things, too. Start looking for a place to move to! Or send Miss Maeve to Montana, me want!

insanedogowner said...

Forget about swallowing your pride: start GULPING it down. Maeve is ADORABLE.

Lacey said...

Maeve is gorgeous. Who has such a cute play bow? However...do you REALLY need to move and take on yet another? Cause I could help you out with her. No, yeah, really, I could. And I could love her just as much as you would. Maybe more. Just sayin'

Zoom said...

Swallowed Pride goes well when chased with a shot of rum. Or Vodka. Or whatever your poison du jour happens to be.

I'd love to be able to move to The Sticks. Room for the Aussie, Dingo and Future Dogs to run, plentiful camera opportunities abounding around me...

Be like Nike, not Nancy.

Cindy said...

Maeve is wonderful. She would fit in perfectly here with my 3 dogs. I just moved to the sticks, AKA-Sanford, FL. Aside from the BUGS, it has been so worth it. The dogs are in heaven. I am even contemplating some livestock-gasp!

Just do it & start packing. Or you can let me know to buy my plane ticket to BC so I can pick up Miss Maeve.

Cindy with Gilly, Sprite & LeeRoy

Teresa said...

Those are great pictures and editorial of our day in the sticks...hmm wait I live in the same set of sticks just down the road. Satan spawn puppy made it to her new home on Friday night and they were thrilled to have her! Howler Monkey, the wonder dog, has had her spay so her boyfriend may be very sad next time he sees her. Maybe if he had brought her flowers and a cookie he may have had better luck or if he had dressed up like a sheep! YES Sonic (my fabulous girl) is still up for adoption.......

Anonymous said...

Does the Howler Monkey come with at Slap-Chop or a Sham-WOW??