Monday, June 16, 2008

Are You There doG? It's Me, Food Lady.

(AKA - Diary of a Regionals competitor)

Day 1: Set Up

Food Lady says:

"Yay! Gas is 15 cents a litre cheaper in Abbotsford!"


Day 2: First Round of Competition, as narrated by Tweed:

The objective is to collect as many points in the opening sequence as possible by doing as many high point obstacles as possible, then to perform a predetermined closing sequence at a distance from the handler within a very short period of time.

Tweed's Interpretation: IT'S THE ALL WEAVES, ALL THE TIME GAME! The Food Lady says "Tunnel!" and I do some weaves! She says "FRAME!" and I do some more weaves! She hollers "Walk it Tweed!" But I prefer to weave! Until she tells me "Weave" - then I opt to stand in the middle of the ring and go:


(Editor's note: We were unable to find a photograph of Tweed barking before this issue of 3WAAW went to press, so the following is a reasonable facsimile; AKA, Lars barking)

In the closing sequence, I shoot out of the tunnel, turn on a dime like a rockstar, and shoot back in the tunnel. Yes, I was supposed to do a jump, not go back in the tunnel, but that was the fastest way back to THE WEAVES!!

Total points for Gamblers: Not sure, but I think they must have been tallied in potty mouthed curse words, if The Food Lady was demonstrating correctly.


A fast paced game where winners are sometimes defined by 10ths of a second. All jumps and tunnels, this is a tight, quick game of skill and speed.

Tweed's Interpretation: Today, I feel like stopping to smell the roses. What's everyone in such a rush for? It's a beautiful day! The sun is shining, the Food Lady is turning several pretty shades of pink .... I'm having a nice, relaxed Zen afternoon. I'm going to stroll around the course, and I might wander off now and then if something catches my fancy. I'm not worried about "breaking the plane of the jumps" but I am a little bit worried about the Food Lady "breaking my neck" - if I'm hearing her correctly.

Total points for Jumpers: 65 out of 75, but barely squeaking in under the time limit. Two 5 point refusals for breaking the plane of jumps.


STANDARD: A game that demonstrates the well rounded skill of dog and handler, involving at least one pass of virtually every piece of equipment in the sport.

Tweed's Intepretation: (With apologies to Elisha and Radar) FREESTYLE! I am exhilarated! I'm on fire! I'm racing through the course and taking tunnel entrances on a whim! I'm touching pieces of equipment with one paw if it moves me to do so! I am a free spirit, a pixie, a butterfly in the theory of chaos, a --my goodness!! WHY must the Food Lady be so foul mouthed???

Total Points for Standard: 55 out of 100 possible points. TWO - not one, but TWO - 20-point-faults for off courses (taking obstacles that were NOT EVEN CLOSE TO CORRECT!!!) and a refusal for the going around, rather than over, a jump.


Tweed's Imminent Retirement.
We need at least 175 points per day to get the 350 points necessary for a Nationals Qualifying score. We are nowhere near 175 points. The Food Lady is outraged.

(Editor's note: Piper has kindly agreed to do an artistic interpretation of Tweed's Saturday performance, with a piece titled



Day 3: Final Round of Competition, as narrated by The Food Lady:

"Are you there doG? It's me, Food Lady. I need some help, doG. I need you give me back my Masters Level competition dog, as someone has stolen him and replaced him with a very stupid, slow and disobedient ringer. And if you cannot make this happen, then please grant me the patience necessary to not throttle, eviscerate and then set-on-fire this fat back-talking animal that I am forced to team up with. Thank you doG, and Amen."

JUMPERS: "Holy shit, Tweed is on fire!" - 83.5 points out of 75 possible points (8.5 bonus time points over and above the CLEAN RUN)

STANDARD: "WTF? Where did this dog come from?" 95 out of 100 possible points, for one bobble in the weave poles; otherwise, a precise and FAST round.

GAMBLERS: (Stunned silence) He earned 40 points in the opening sequence alone, and then went on to successfully complete the gamble, scoring a total of almost 80 points.


Tweed qualifies for Nationals with something like 405 points for the weekend.

Tweed takes 2nd place in the 16" Specials Jumpers class on Sunday.

Tweed takes 6th place in the 16" Specials Gamblers class on Sunday.

Tweed gets to live to see another trial.

This is the first year in all our years of competing at Regionals that Tweed has placed in the top 6 of any of his classes, and he did it in not 1 but 2 categories. In the end, his "good" day sort of canceled out his "bad" day and he ended up somewhere in the middle of his class with a 14th place finish. Had he run both days like he ran on Sunday, Tweed would've for sure been on the podium. But I am so proud of him.

I'm mad at all of you though. Clearly, you forgot en masse to send juju and ((((((luck))))) and shit on Saturday, as this is the only possible explanation for his dismal performance that day! ;-)

I know you all come to the blog to see photos, not listen to me ramble, so here are a few photos from today's celebratory dog beach trip.

Today was an episode of Friends.

We saw Auntie Fiona and her doggies

Tempus (scary):

Toby (sweetie):

and Rogue (gimme!):

And we ran into Cookie Uncle, and Lars and Bear.

Bear makes really good shaking faces. We had no idea until today. It's like he's going "Ouch. OMG. My brain. Ow. This really hurts."

He and Lars are getting along fabulously.

And their friends Tippy and Cooper were along as well. Cooper is Piper's Doppelganger, except he is a smidge taller, his ears go floppy, and he doesn't do Devil Spins. Otherwise, he's the same as her:

This is my favourite photo from today, of a "Puggle" and a Boston Terrier:

They were so cute! Until they started having Secksy Time all over the beach. It was positively pornographic. The shame!


Fiona said...

Where's my Rogue pictures!! It's all I have, since I have no ego building ribbons to display.. :-(

Rossie said...

Congrats to you and Tweed! What a stinker he is!

Anonymous said...

Clearly, Tweed wanted to make sure you appreciated his hard work by showing you the alternative.

Laura said...

Congratulations! Yay for Tweed!

2halves said...

Damn you and your Rogue pictures. To hell, I say! It’s so not fair. I want!!!! OTOH, someone could just make me an offer on Kate. :-P Come on , think of the photo ops with those two together!

And congrats to you and Tweed on your half-great weekend!! Ok, ok, so maybe we were vibing enough for you on Saturday, but he didn’t limp did he? See, that was all me.

Anonymous said...

congrats to you both. perhaps saturday was working the gremlins out? or retaliation for a past photo session?

hornblower said...

Excellent Tweed! Now I'm really regretting not coming out on Sunday too..... ah well, we'll stalk you some more some other time.

Anonymous said...

More Rogue, please!

Samantha ~ Holly and Zac ~ said...

Congratulations Food Lady and Tweed!
Well, we can all have an off day. At least he made up for it.
Go Tweed!!

Anonymous said...

Actually, I came here hoping to READ all the good stuff that you WROTE and not just to see the PHOTOS of the ADORABLES.

Congratulations Tweed. Now maybe Food Lady will keep those comments to herself concerning your early demise..

Anonymous said...

Congratulations Tweed. (Food Lady is taking YOUR win as HER accomplishment) Go pee on her foot.

Anonymous said...

You might not have been so appreciative of Sunday's efforts had he not Freestyled so nicely on Saturday! Congratulations Tweed - placing in two classes is very cool.

Besides, I heard the food lady say she loved Tweed, in front of witnesses no less!

Anonymous said...

WHAT?!! No token Wootie picture? For shame, Food Lady!

Anonymous said...

On Saturday Tweed was getting you back for all the dress-up photos. I think he REALLY wanted a photo of you turning all those lovely pink shades.

GO TWEED!!!!! (Oh, and congrats to you as well BTW - you did have *something* to do with it. Kinda. Maybe. Oh what the heck: GO TWEED!)

Bex and the Bookends said...

Tweed looks great with those ribbons! As for Saturday... he can't help being Tweird.

Congrats for Sunday's successes.

Biggie-Z said...

OMdoG, hilarious! Tweed just wanted you hungry for the win on Sunday.

Loved it.


I'm Gabby said...

Congratulations Tweed! Mom says you did very well! She'd also like to know if you can come teach me the weaves. It appears I am allergic to all 12 poles at a trial.