Saturday, June 13, 2009

My hands are such jerks!

Today I took the dogs to Kits Beach for some swimmin'. I didn't bring the camera, cuz I was just going to enjoy the beautiful sunny weather.

Fat chance of that. I forgot that Kits Beach is populated by overcoiffed and under-intelligent yuppy yahoos with 'tude and their brain dead, underexercised and barely trained dogs.

So I throw the ball in the water for Piper and she swims furiously after it. A fat (of course) Lab (of course!) who already has a ball of his own (of course) overtakes Piper and steals the ball. Leaves his in the water after trying and failing to have BOTH balls while Piper paddles around in terror at the thought of losing her precious ball.

As he exits the water, I grab his collar. I have done this dance before - if I don't grab the dog, it runs off waaaay down the beach with my ball, in the general direction of its owner, who is talking on her cell phone or making mascara googly eyes at some studly shirtless wonder - anything but paying attention to her thieving dog. Of course. Even fat labs can outrun me on sand, and it ends up taking forever to get the ball back. So now I just don't let them go anywhere until I have my ball back.

So, collar in hand, I tell the dog "drop it."

Nothing happens. OF COURSE.

I send Piper to go get the other dog's ball while I wrestle with a big fat slobbery Lab mouth to get my ball back. Finally I prise it out of his stupid mouth, take his ball from where Piper has left it at my feet, and then try to convince him to take back his original ball. Of COURSE, he doesn't want it, he wants the one that does not belong to him and does a little darting dance and barks nonstop in my face.

The owner saunters over from whatever make-up ministrations she has been busy with, or whatever, and says in her haughtiest tone "I'll take that." So I smile and hand her the ball. I then turn to walk away so I can restart Piper's game of fetch.

As I am walking away, the damn fat Lab launches at me from behind and grabs my WHOLE FREAKIN' HAND , the one which is holding *my* ball. He grabs it HARD, hard enough to puncture the nail bed on my thumb, which immediately begins to bleed.

I, of course, scream "OUCH!" at the top of my lungs. Because, you know, it hurts?

(here comes the really awesome bit. you know I wouldn't let you down)

Miss Elton John sunglasses looks at me and says "are you kidding me?"

Now, I don't know about you, but my response to one of my dogs biting someone hard enough to make them bleed and scream out loud would probably be something along the lines of "OMG!! Are you okay? I am so sorry!!" followed by my theoretical biting dog being shoved facefirst into the sand for a remedial lesson in Being Nice. Of course, my dogs would simply NOT EVER BEHAVE like this, but I imagine - as a human being on this planet who feels responsible for her dog's actions - that I would be apologetic in such a situation. Really apologetic.

Needless to say, I found her response sort of unsatisfactory. I say "No I'm not kidding! Your dog just grabbed four of my fingers really damn hard, and made me bleed."

Now that she has started down the path of complete idiocy, she is apparently committed to seeing it through to the bitter end because she gets up all in my face and says "Touch my dog and I'll Fuck You Up."


I repeat, rather incredulously, "You'll ... fuck me up?? Really?" Did she actually just tell me she was going to fuck me up? REALLY? Who says that?

By now her dog has made a second grab at my ball (DENIED) and has taken off to steal another dog's rubber frisbee type toy. She starts to swagger after her dog, and screeches over her shoulder "I will FUCK YOU!"

"I don't swing that way, sweetie, so good luck with that," was my auto-response. I can't help it, she was sounding like a total douche. She turns to look at me, and I added "You can try, but you're going to have to get past Animal Control once I call them to report this dog bite."

She then opted to leave. Smart move, Chesty. I was starting to get pretty steamed with your attitude. I hope you're reading this, and I hope you're completely embarrassed about your ill manners, and overall dumbness. I really do. I am not sure I can go on as a participant in this world if people are so incredibly stupid that they cannot feel remorse for acting like a total dick.

Can people really be THIS stupid? Well of course they can - it just happened. But ... really? I am a 36 year old woman and some snotnosed little huffy weiner just told me she was going to "fuck me up" because HER dog bit ME.

People, dogs can be taught some basic rules of thumb (pardon the pun). A good place to start is "Drop it." I promise you, dogs can learn this. Even Mr. Woo, the World's Least Trainable Dog, will reliably drop pretty much anything as soon as I tell him to. Why just today he dropped a miscellaneous knuckle bone he found at the park on, on my request (the idiocy of bringing hig value raw food items to the dogpark is a discussion for another day). That was a mighty big prize to let go of, yet it happened. Amazing I know.

Your dog can also learn "leave it" and "take it" and distinguish between the two, which goes a long way toward preventing people getting bitten through their nailbeds and bleeding all over the place. I know this sounds monumental, but Hand To doG, canines all around the world learn this all the time, and go on to lead productive, happy, non biting lives amongst the bipeds.

Now, it will take a little bit of effort on your part. You'll have to get off your cell phone for a couple of minutes, and it will require interacting with your dog in a meaningful way. The payoff, however, is huge. Your dog will never be reported to Animal Control for biting someone because of your negligence, and people will like him more. And you, dear dog owner, will never have to behave like a total asshat at the dog beach to another human being who is bleeding down her thumb.

Doesn't that sound just wonderful, when you think it through and weigh the pros and cons?

Thank you for listening to my rant. As a reward, I give you ...

Half of a doberman.

I'm sorry it's not the smarter half. Actually, it might be - it is, after all, The Sofa.

Last weekend I got to photograph dogs at a Fun Match, doin' their agility thang. You can check out the photos on my website. Please enjoy!


Lou said...

That is just crazy!! I'm often impressed with the stupidity of dog owners, but that's really over the top. Glad she didn't "fuck you up" though. How's the thumb?

EvenSong said...

I hope you DID report her! What a dirtbag!

Janice in GA said...

Great zeus, I hope you got her tag number or something so you can follow up reporting her to animal control.

What a maroon. I would have been MORTIFIED if that had been my dog. But my dogs wouldn't do that either. Because I have a good NO! and I'm not afraid to use it. Otherwise I use the Pointing Finger of Doom. Many dogs quail in the face of it, especially when combined with NO.

Anonymous said...

I had that type of encounter with a goldendoodle who stole my (thin) lab's kong frisbee.
After the owner spent about 10 minutes chasing her dog, I just told her to pay me for my frisbee as I had to go. Well, that didn't impress her - apparently, if I bring a toy to the park I need to expect other dogs to take it!
My lab leaves every other toy alone and is often the victim when other dogs steal his toys...I told this woman to teach her dog drop it and leave it and she just stormed off in a huff once she finally got my frisbee from her dog.
Stupid people are everywhere.
Erika (and Tyler, the thin well behaved lab :))

Tatyana said...

I've had a dog puncture my thumb nail. Jeeeebus that hurt like a bitch. I sympathize completely. And my thumb was purple-brown for months afterwards. What a douchey owner.

Monique-NEBCR said...

wow....... that's it, just....... wow......

*shaking head in disbelief at the ignorance and stupidity of the ones with the opposable thumbs (oops, bad choice of words, sorry!)*

fulltiltbcs said...

Amazing...some people should not be allowed to own pets....

Lexi, Qwill, Shiner and Trophy said...

i really really hope you had some sort of identification on her and reported her. i would have in an instant. I've had way too many bad experiences at dog parks not to anymore.

dear world, yet there are consequences to your stupidity!

UGH! As the owner of two reactive dogs (and three very well behaved ones) i am over controling of my dogs actions when out in public. my dogs don't do anything without me knowing about it! ugh!

you really should have to pass a test to own a dog or have kids!!

Kasha said...

So tragic yet so great to leave. I am so so sorry about that stupid person and ill-behaved dog. You handled it a lot better than I would. I would be so scared if my dog bit anyone. With lawsuits left and right you could be a millionaire from that. You don't want to pursue that? Good for you for just writing about it. That girl got away easy!

pam said...

My dogs mind. Sooooo we've had to stop going to the dog park.

Sorry about your thumb though.

Tash said...

I'd like to say I can't believe that someone could be so stupid, but sadly, I can. We avoid offleash parks around here come the weekend... prefer to avoid the 'weekenders'.

I have a dog with an extreme amount of ball drive. His 'drop it' and 'leave it' have gotten much better after starting flyball but he's still iffy. He has grabbed my hand a number of times, and I know how much that hurts. I'd NEVER want him to grab anyone else!!! We're VERY careful about offleash trips... if the stupid lady really knew her dog, she would be too. I hope you reported the incident!

BookWyrm said...

Oh, man, I'm sorry about what happened to you (the bite AND the rotten treatment from the lab's owner). It's just freaking mind-boggling how some people can twist anything into a reason to attack others (verbally or otherwise). Seriously, how can ANYONE see you as being the one in the wrong?

I also feel sorry for the dog...His owner certainly isn't doing him any favors by not properly training him.

Arwen said...

Whoa. You have to hope that Ms Jerkface will wake up in the night at some point and think "Wow, I was a real asshole!"

But sadly I doubt it.

I finally remembered what breed Woo reminds me of - a Dutch breed called Kooikerhondje. They were bred for the same work as the Duck Tolling Retrievers. You can google the name for pics.
(doubt he's actually one, or a crossbreed, considering how rare the Kooikers are outside of NL though..)

Rosalita said...

Sorry about your thumb. I have such mixed feelings about the Kits dog beach. Most of the time (including yesterday around 4pm) it is really quite a pleasant place full of friendly dogs. But then all it takes is one idiot human with a dog accessory who likes to pick on you or your dog to ruin the whole experience.

I don't think that's a Doberman, but a Dostrich, or is it an Osterman?

Larissa said...

People never cease to amaze me...Like the night i was at the park with my girl. i was working on her down stay on the long lead. when out of no where i was suddenly eating grass. Suddenly i had my girl standing over me jumping (playing) with a dog. I get up to see a guy standing on the bike bath about 40 feet away yelling "He's nice sorry he got away from me" as he is just standing there. And i replied "Where is his Leash?" as he didn't have one on. the owner told me, still standing on the bike path, that he doesn't need one he's perfectly behaved.....Ummmm yeah that's why your dog wants my dog for lunch jerk. i really hate leaving my house sometimes.

nickelsmum said...

I'm reduced to useless sputtering and even though I have nothing to add, I'll post the useless sputtering anyway. I've had some really amazing encounters with people like this, but this takes the cake.

myhandle said...

OWOWOWOW! I've had bites in the nailbed before, and it HURTS. And then the nail looks gross for months until it falls off. Come up with a good story--I had everyone down to the cashier at the corner deli ask me what happened. (I pried something out of my own dog's mouth, and didn't remove my hand fast enough. She has since learned both "drop it" and "leave it".)

We just missed our trip to the dog run because someone was having a PICNIC inside the fenced, clearly marked dog run. Um, seriously? How stupid do you have to be?

EllieC said...

OMG you had me laughing out loud!

How come fat labs seem to be the douchebag dog breed of choice? I had a run-in with a dumbass and his lab yesterday at my neighborhood park. Yeesh!

Anonymous said...

I have a reactive dog. (Is she reactive? She doesn't like other dogs with bad greeting manners. I treat her as a reactive dog.)

We do not go to dog parks. I don't even take my other dogs because there are so many bad seeds among them. Too many dogs not being watched, too many mismatched play styles that can get out of hand and too many under-trained dogs. It's sad really, but we are better for it.

PoochesForPeace said...

She's lucky you handled it as well as you did. I get the impression you couldve taken her. ha. what a b*tch. Grr people like that are so frustrating.

Anonymous said...

Sadly, this shit happens all the time. I don't take my dogs out in public any more because of it. Vet and medical bills are too high when incidents happen.

Anonymous said...

Leave that poor lab alone!

This is the reason me and my dog don't go to Forrest Park anymore, to many stupid folks around. Sick and tired of my dogs getting harrased by out of control dogs.

The Border Collies said...

Thank you all for reaffirming my total disbelief at her response to HER dog biting ME!

My thumb is fine - he actually just got me at the very bottom of the nail, and it's healing up very quickly already. I didn't call AC on her, because I didn't want the dog to suffer just cuz his owner is an idiot of epic proportions. he was not aggressive, just big, fat, and dumb. And FTR I have nothing against Labs, but one cannot help but notice that often times the most obnoxious dogs at the park are overweight and underexercised Labs with so much energy and so little training. It's really sad for those dogs :(

Also FTR - I actually like most of our dog parks. My local one is full of friends and nice dogs and I really enjoy going there! I love most of the dog parks we frequent, which is many - I only ever have problems at Kits with douchebag owners and ill mannered hounds!

Tristan - I'm a Heavenly King said...


Yes, idiots like that DO exist. And that is part of the reason we've stopped going to the Dog Park. Ok, granted my dog is no angel and he doesn't hesitate to show his displeasure for dogs will ill manners, but it's these moronic owners (with their non the wiser pooches in tow) that usually sets things off.

Owners! IF you are in a dog park, WATCH YOUR DOG! Is that too much to ask?!?!

My dog tries hard to ignore your dog like 3 times after he tries to annoy the hell out of him. Try it the fourth and honestly, I don't blame me at all. Darn.

bexy said...

Oh no!! I hope your thumb will be okay. . .

That is why I love our dog park. Yeah, there's a sign that says, "Small dogs, 30 pounds or less" but the majority of the dogs are 35-50 pounds (mine aren't!!), and all of the dogs *and* owners get along peachily keen.

It's so nice there I *gasp* let the twins out of the stroller to run around and give kisses to the dogs!! But you can guarantee that if there are dogs there that my two dorky dogs don't know, they (and all of the other regular dogs) protect the children until I can get them gathered up and put back in the stroller. (Of course, the other owners see my twins as their neice/nephew anyway.)

cblueiii said...

Sounds like both the lab and the owner could've used a remedial lesson in Being Nice.

Borders of Insanity said...

What is it with fat labs lately? I was driving home one night and a big fat lady was walking her incredibly fat (and horribly behaved) black lab...poor dog's belly was almost touching the ground!

Ouch! I Can't believe people - it's no wonder her dog had no manners, given that she had none!

BCxFour said...

I am glad your thumb is going to be okay. Your expressions never fail to make me giggle. Thanks for the smile tonight!

Anonymous said...

i have a theory about the poorly behaved, fat lab + asshole owner combo! people who want a big fun dog but don't want to properly care for or train them are drawn to labs because they're the "nice" dog that doesn't need training.... they are automatically nice and friendly and would never hurt anyone. which is why i'm stuck at work with a million obese labs tearing around, bullying other dogs, barking in our faces, and biting our hands. "my hand is NOT made out of cake, fatass!"

-anonymous doggy daycare manager

Brown Girl said...

Stupid people are everywhere, you should have thrown Piper's ball right at her face. I hate to admit that my (normal size) Lab would probably try to steal Piper's ball as well but my dog definitely knows what the word 'drop it' means. And if she ever even thought about biting someone I would drop kick her butt to China.

Sorry that happened!

Anonymous said...

At my dog park we have this fat black lab and they put a jingle bell collar on it at Christmas. Seriously, you want to call attention to the fact that your dog is twice the size it should be.

I run into the ball thievery a lot at the park. Part of why I keep bright colored balls and that way there is no disputing that it's mine. I haven't been bit yet on my retrevial missions but I am sure it will happen at some point in time.

Leanne said...

Long-time reader, first-time poster. But how can I resist this topic?

Unbelievably, I witnessed something similar to this happen at an agility competition here recently. A lady took her dog into the ring and asked whether the judge could possibly judge from a different position whilst her dog ran. The judge (obviously!) said no, as he had to judge all the dogs fairly and the position he was stood in was the best place to view the obstacle properly. She ran the dog anyway, and the dog turned on the judge and bit him - a proper bite, and it only failed to break the skin as he his coat sleeve got in the way of the dog's teeth. Judge moved well away whilst competitor exited the ring.

The competitor then had the audacity to blame the judge and complained to the show organisers.

I still can't get over this, but it sounds as though some owners are the same the world over. Fingers (and thumbs?!) crossed you don't run into her again, what a way to ruin a good walk!

Fenway said...

Let me guess....

Was this yuppie lab named
a.) Trevor
b.) Tucker
c.) Seamus
d.) Brodie
e.) Jasper

I bet if you yelled, "Tucker, come!" at a dog park there would be like 20 labs and 30 golden retrievers flying at you.